| Story of my life. |
[July 28, 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
So...
Last night carried on till this morning with the help of certain acquaintances of mine. One you may be familiar with: his name is alcohol. Once again I revealed the convoluted story of my life, but this time I revealed it to someone who was keen on figuring me out. He calls it a hobby of his. I don't think it had anything to do with anything dealing in romantics, for I do believe he is interested in my friend Kendall, and if that's the case, then there won't be any pursuing on my part. That's just too weird, and makes me a little insecure. Especially since I like Kendall in more than the platonic way.
Anyway, excuse the fact that I'm tired and it's adding to my incoherent tale. Like I said, I divulged the more interesting facts about my past and what has "happened" to me. Because I know it is a hobby of his to figure people out, I feel a little like I hope he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does. I don't like it when people try to figure me out for the sake of figuring me out. I would rather they take a sincere interest in myself, my life, and my doings. "Let's figure the tall, pretty girl out" isn't an activity I respond well too, especially if I'm the specimen being studied. But in this particular telling I discovered that things have morphed and changed since the last time I discussed it. With Kendall, I think. On the first day we met. The Donkey has become more and more of a mockery of the word, "step-mom," doing absolutely nothing to assist in drowning the stereotype. Irregardless, I take some form of comfort in the knowledge that I did not speak about my love for writing, my odd take on the supernatural, and the dreams. I feel this Ryan person would probably "get it" where others would judge, but I don't think I'll tell him unless he proves that I'm more to him than a study-case.
I don't deal in the superficial.
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| Mistakes |
[July 25, 2007] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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O.k., so I "yelled" at him.
But I discovered that he was already feeling terrible about everything, and I didn't find any comfort in making him feel worse. I did say what I felt I needed to, but as was always the case with him, it didn't come out like I had planned. But when does anything come out the way you plan it to? He had been harboring a hope that we might someday be friends... so he asked me if we were over. I told him that we were. The Kelby chapter of my life is drawing to a close. I still mourn all the things I could have given him, but in the long run, I know that this is for the best. Because I can't expect that even if we were friends I would be able to do anything for him. I just feel terrible for causing him more pain. He already knew he lost me, and I didn't need to rub salt in the wound by reminding him the way I did. A part of me really wanted to hurt him, because of how selfish he was being, dating a girl that we were both working with because he need to find solace in someone. Treating Kendall with disrespect. Lying to me because he was desperate to keep me. And the things I said, the main points were as follows:
*You lied to me, and that's unacceptable. (He didn't have anything to say to that)
*You don't deserve Kendall's friendship anymore. (He didn't have anything to say to that)
*You had to find solace in another woman because you can't find solace in yourself. (He didn't have anything to say to that.)
He told me that I didn't have the right to complain to him about what he does now that I've chosen not to be a part of his life, and I told him that I did if it directly affected me. (He didn't have anything to say to that, either.)
He said that he thought I didn't care.
And I reminded him that I sent him a letter telling him, in my own way, that I was thankful for what he was able to give me, for helping me overcome certain things that happened to me in my past. But he missed the point. He told me it was too vague. I wanted to tell him that he saw only what he wanted to see. And he didn't respond to the last email that I sent. He said, "You were slandering me about my drinking!" And I told him that I only brought it up because I had heard things and I was worried. Worried! Because I didn't want him to drink himself into an oblivion! So the fact that I did try to reach out, shake his hand, no hard feelings.. but he didn't even respond to tell me that I had heard wrong. And since I've gotten so good at reading him, it was because he couldn't discredit what I had heard. And most of his argument fell out the window.
As we were saying our goodbyes, he told me something that disturbed me. He said he had had a dream about me in which my eyes were glittering like diamonds. I think it was a last attempt at... something. Changing my mind, I think. I didn't hear the rest of the dream, and the next thing he told me was that he hoped my pride didn't stop me from doing what I wanted to do. My pride? Uh! Talk about a hypocritical thing to say! But I didn't fight him on that. I just told him that I hoped he found his way again. And that this was the last goodbye. Except that I have a feeling it won't be. The last day I think I'll ever see him will be Saturday, his final performance as an understudy. I think I want to apologize for some of the assumptions that I had made that I was too prideful to apologize for. I don't want this to end so terribly. So I will talk to him in person after the show. The thing I most dread, to say to him the things I couldn't say to him on the phone. To accept his apology, and tell him that I forgive him, finally, for what he did, but that it still didn't change the fact that I can't be friends with him because I wouldn't be able to trust him again after all of this. And that it's not the end of the world, and that he will find his way, and he will be successful, and he will find solace in himself if he opens up and peers inside, courageously.
I can't bear to hurt people unnecessarily. And what I did yesterday wasn't closure for either of us. I realize right now that I do forgive him. It just took me being a right nasty bitch to see this. It's not like me, what I did, and I can't let it go at that. Because, and even though this was a big misunderstanding, if was partly my fault it happened the way that it did. I was the one who told him that it was alright to love two people at the same time. I just didn't know he was giving love to two people at the same time.
I feel a little better now.
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| Horoscope says: |
[July 24, 2007] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
"Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Pay attention to everything that is happening now, for you may be holding on to old habits that are getting in your way. Frustration is amplified if you are unwilling to change. Today, answers won't come from reading the manual or acquiring better data. You must trust your instincts, even if you are reluctant to believe your irrational feelings." And that is utterly amazing. I'll tell you why: today I am yelling at my ex. I've thought about it, and last night I sent him a letter. A pretty scathing letter. Or was it the night before last? Yes, it was! Because he then called me yesterday, and left a long message saying he wanted to explain things. The letter I sent him was nothing short of a kick in the balls. So after I paint the marquee for my director at the college, I am going to call the bastard, and for the first time throughout the duration of this whole affair I'm actually going to tell him what I think. It's about time I get some closure. I hate all the open-endedness, and the miscommunication, and the lies. I hate the fact that we were in every show together this summer, I really do. I believe I've handled it royally, but he still finds ways to piss me off. I think I am sounding a tad juvenile when I proclaim all of this, but I'm just tired and I want the sillyness to end. I want the drama to recede. I don't want to be left with the knowledge that he got away with slandering my character, or lying to me. After all, he's the one who's failing at following what he preaches. Today will be a big step in my personal growth; I'm finally looking out for what I want, as opposed to what someone else wants. I'm going to take care of myself.
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| Irony |
[July 10, 2007] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
] |
I've sort of dropped off the planet in the livejournal/fanfiction.net community.
It's because my life has taken a couple sharp turns and dropped me off in an unfamiliar city. A city full of dark, unknowable things--like love, broken hearted wilderness, and lots and lots of streetlights. I know I'm being vague, and I don't know who is going to read this. Probably no one. But I kind of prefer that.
I really want a cigarette.
So I was dating this guy, who seemed nothing short of wonderful. He told me he loved me, and I know that he meant it. I meant it when I said it back, and even though we weren't official about our relationship... meaning I don't know what the hell we were... we had a lot of fun, I guess. But I made a terrible mistake. I settled for less than I deserved... I worried more about what he wanted than what I wanted, I was naive and silly and secretive about the whole affair...
Well, to make a long story short, I discovered that he had been sleeping with his ex the whole time we were going out. So he was making love to two people at the same time. Moment I discovered that I can't tell you how sick to my stomach I was, how dumb, deaf and blind I felt for not seeing it sooner, and how much I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.
But I didn't crawl into a hole--oh, no, not me.
I really want to paint my nails, but I've just come to the sad realization that I don't have any nail polish.
What ended up happening is this: The ex contacted me, before I discovered anything, with a wild need to apologize for being the other women. She and I spoke for about five hours. In any case, because we talked so long, and I don't know how exactly this happened, but after I broke it off with the guy, she and I became friends. Good friends. But (of course there's always a but) she still talks to him. She was aware of the whole situation throughout the duration of their relationship... and I was just the one stuck in my blind corner, thinking that everything was more meaningful than it was.
It's all very confusing right now. I developed feelings for her. Yes, I know, controversial. We kissed even. Apparently the feelings were mutual. Aaand now I suspect that she slept with him again. Last night. Even after.. after all this. All the pain, all the healing we've been doing together. I don't know what to think about that. I don't know what to think about anything. I keep liking the wrong people. How is that? How is that? No, I don't judge, and yes, I could understand why she did it, but seriously... How does this keep happening?
Do I really not have any fucking nail polish? Jesus H Christ!
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| Monster Nox Noctis |
[September 23, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
Monster Nox Noctis
Within the depths of my mind creeps a monster. The monster who steals away my consciousness, pulls my eyelids shut, fills my head with thick, heavy cotton. He pushes against my temples in warning. I have been defying his demands lately. I ignored the gentler tugs. And then I pushed myself to drink the drug that I knew would subdue him for a time. But like the flu virus, my monster will become immune to its effects. Until I slip away into the depths of my own imagination, and he feeds off the stuff of my dreams, because in that reality, he thrives. In that reality he dwells, and from that reality he’ll come. He will not let me defy him much longer. Already he is slowing my thoughts. He’s creating a burning sensation behind my eyes, next to the cotton in my head. I know if I keep this up any longer, the cotton will turn to wire. He’s not letting me focus. I cannot keep this up. The monster is relentless, and the longer he is defied, the more functions the monster will be able to control as well. I do not wish for that, but I can no longer think, or remember what it was I had just thought...my eyes are forced shut. Blackness. My breathing evens, and I am gone.
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| Old Crushes Die Hard |
[September 20, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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From Autumn to Ashes- "Autumn's Monologue" |
] |
The spring, the smells, had never brought this strong a memory before. A gentle tug on her heart, softly saying, ' Hey... remember this feeling? Exactly one year ago? Remember how it hurt?'
Yes, she remembered. Too well, actually. It was gone until today. During the cold months, the fall, it had left her. So many things had changed in her life since that spring, that she guessed made it easier to forget, to let go. What am I thinking! It was never easy!
The sun's warmth reminded her of just how hard it had been. Her leg had fallen asleep as she sat indian-style on her bed, staring at the bare, soft green walls of her room. The mindless jabbering of the television drifts through her open door. A phone rings, and is answered. Someone is banging cabinet doors, and making some sort of microwave dinner. Smells mexican. The high-register voice that could only belong to seven-year-old River, raving about some cartoon or other echoed up the stairs.
There wasn't much furniture in her small room. Just the bed she was sitting on, an old nightstand, and a dusty table she had brought up from the garage. Her clothes were scattered all over the floor, most of them clean. Her floor had somehow evolved into her dresser and closet. She couldn't remember how that happened, but one day she just found herself climbing over piles of junk and clothing. Her mother cringed every time she passed.
She leaned her head up, and stared at the cottage cheese ceiling for a while. What had happened to her, that one sentence, one look, could bring back a feeling she thought was gone for good?
"I don' t like you anymore." He had told her. Not that he ever had. Not that she cared what he thought. But apparently her heart is informing her otherwise. A slight pull- oh-so-slight- reminds her just how much she used to care. It was springtime the last time her heart kept his image constantly in her mind. Everyday, she went to school in the morning to see him. She dressed hoping he would notice her.
If he did , she never knew.
Then summer came. She went to summer school at her father's, where she realized she wanted nothing more to do with men. Her father wasn't worth the trouble, or the worry. If he didn't accept her, the she wasn't going to try to be accepted.
When school started, the feeling was gone, but not completely. Her heart didn't want to listen, but she forced it. Every once in a while, throughout fall and winter, the feeling would flare up, and she would retaliate by forcefully pushing a hand to her chest and saying calmly, "No." As if her heart had asked a question.
As the year progressed, the questions came less often, and with less urgency. Soon they had stopped coming completely.
But now it was spring again. Hope springs eternal, as the saying goes. Her heart is asking a question. Confused by the sudden coming of spring. The warm, green smells that rose in small gusts from the hot ground invaded her mind, and brought with it the memory of his smile, his eyes, and his presence. The excitement she felt whenever he sat next to her. The subtleties she used to catch his attention.
But she didn't like him anymore. It was just a memory... her heart was confused by the sudden coming of spring.
'That must be it,' she told herself.
©2006
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| Dark Angel |
[September 20, 2006] |
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mood |
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 quixotic |
] |
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music |
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Bob Marley- "Redemption Song" |
] |
I'm an Angel with soiled, black wings
my halo is cracked, but my harp still sings
I'm stumbling in the dark
no sound but the beating of my heart
hidden in the cloak I wear
blinking in the sudden glare
it's too late, the horn still blares
my senses numb, but no one cares
I'm an angel among demons
mind's lost all its reason
there is no place in heaven for a soiled little angel
with a dirty, broken wing
my halo was stolen
so my harp won't sing
anymore.
©2004
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| A Place |
[September 20, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Counting Crows- "Round Here" |
] |
I had a place
I called my home
without my face
I danced alone
I had a place
I thought was home
I scratched my face
and screamed alone
I have a place
that's not my home
I mask my face
and cry alone
I had a place
that wasn't home
I pinched my face
and dreamed alone
I lost a place
it was my home
with painted face
I died alone
I want a place
to call my own
to love my face
and live alone
There is a place
I wish was home
to lift my face
and sing alone
I wish this place
was not my home
sore of face
I stand alone.
©2004
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| An Inner Struggle |
[September 18, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exanimate |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Gnarls Barkley- "Crazy" |
] |
*The following is an inner struggle of a girl who has fallen for the absolute wrong person. Think of Romeo and Juliet, and you've got it. It is not my usual style of writing, but then again, what is?*
Inner Struggle
I've known since the beginning that it would be impossible.
-But....
But nothing, it's impossible.
-What about...
What about what? There is not feasable way it would ever work.
-But I could...
Can't.
-Why not?
Because that's impossible.
-But you used to say that nothing is impossible!
Never say never. Oxymoron.
-Do you even know what you're talking about?
Yes.
-But you believed that where there's a will there's away.
Notice that you yourself said "believe-d." Past tense.
-What changed!
Everything.
-Nothing! You're still you!
Yes, I am, but that doesn't mean that I'm still stupid.
-You know you want him.
No, I don't.
-Yes you do.
Don't.
-Quit lying to yourself!
And do what, face the truth?
-Yes! What else is there to face?
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| Hello, World |
[September 18, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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lazy |
] |
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music |
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Howie Day- "Collide" |
] |
Today I am being lazy. It is a trait of mine, and I usually try to keep it harnessed, but today I am loosening the reigns a bit. I just created this account, because I've decided to try to find people to read my stories, so they're not just insane babbles hidden away in random sections of my computer. I have some ideas on how to begin a fic, but there is still some planning to be done. I hate cliche, and will try my darndest to refrain from falling into the box.
-CDP
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